eMarkLee

I have taken a personal ban of owning any pets for life. To give you history and why I am doing it I will take you back through my history with animals in order:

1. Happy (a dog given to me on my 4th birthday that was kept at my grandpa and grandma’s place in the farmlands of Taiwan). It was a white dog that used to be real mean when you tried to touch him during mealtime. Eventually Happy became quite a nice dog and was able to join me in eating frogs. Shortly after I came to the United States, my grandpa ate the dog.
2. Cockatiel #1 – No, not a molotov cocktail. A cockatiel is a small bird that actually has quite a bit of personality and intelligence. I think this was my best pet ever. Our friend gave it to us after it had been trained. It could sing songs and even say a couple of words. All from a brain the size of a booger. It flew away when my Dad tried to destroy it with a garden hose. Cockatiel #1 did not like that idea. It fled. I was sad.
3. Cockatiel #2 – This bird was the replacement for Cockatiel #1 and looked exactly like it. It would cry away when we were out of its sights. We got it at the swap meet when it was quite young…where we had to get special seeds to feed it because it couldnt consume the regular seeds. Ultimately it disappeared. Not sure what happened…grandpa was living with us at that time.
4. Horny Toad – This reptile beast was just plain awesome. Looked like a prehistoric dinosaur. I took it home from my 6th grade science class for the summer but my parents made me give it back after the summer was up. It would fall asleep when you pet it on the head, at which point you could flip it on its back and rub its belly. They apparently have the ability to spit blood from their eyes if you piss it off enough.

Don’t piss me off

5. Red Eared Slider - My aunt gave this turtle to us when it was the size of a half dollar. We had it for a long time to the point where it was the size of a six dollar hamburger. Turtles are cool…but aquariums tend to become a pain in the ass because you have to clean it. All in all I like turtles more than turtleheads but they belong in a pond in Mozambique, not in my living room.
6. The black cat – Ugh. This feline monster had fleas and wanted to eat my hand. It was cute when it was small but then just became a big pain in the ass. This cat would want to play. I would play with it and it would try to eat my hand. WTF. My mom eventually had enough and ditched it somewhere….literally in a ditch I think.
7. Lizard #1 – I had this cool looking lizard that would bury itself in the sand…so I literally had to dig it out to play with it. Lizards are a pain in the ass because you have to go to the pet store all the time to get crickets and worms. Eventually it got paralyzed in its lower body for some reason and crickets ate its lower feet. Irony in nature at its best here…almost poetic. I had to put it in the freezer to put it to rest.
8. Lizard #2 – This lizard was pretty mean but cool looking. It was mean looking enough where I didn’t want to hold it. Also, its poo was highly odorous. I know poo generally does not smell like sundaes but this poo was seriously stinkly. They didn’t tell me that at the pet store. Workmonkey had enough at a certain point and killed it. Workmonkey and I had to toss it over our balcony in San Francisco with our ceremonial pour fo mah homeyz. I will never forgive you, Workmonkey.
9. Various creatures of the sea – I ran a reef tank for a year. I got into it because I had a hook up at the local fish store, where everything I got was at a deep deep discount. This was such a huge undertaking in both time, effort, and money but it was all worth it when you see a fully functional ecosystem in your living room. It was a pain in the ass, though, because it was a reef tank…so adding salt, Ph levels, algae, ick, etc etc. Eventually, ick killed my favorite porcupine puffer when I introduced a cowfish with ick into the tank. Everything got tossed over the balcony along with some Old English after that. I tore the tank down after that and sold everything. It was fun, but I wouldn’t go through all that again.

My aquarium

Wha choo lookin at?

After the aquarium, I made the decision to never own another pet. I still like some dogs and puffer fishes, but as you can see..pet keeping generally doesn’t end in a good way and have always been a pain in the ass. So why succumb to that urge you get sometimes to own something cute instead of just looking at it or playing with it and letting it be? Come join me in banning all pets for life!